A member of staff allegedly ‘had a secret moment’ with someone I know

When I was at school, a classmate of mine told me that a member of staff had had a ‘secret moment’ with her. I didn’t believe her, because I knew that member of staff and it had never happened with me.
Anyway my friend had to leave the school– she had emotional and behavioural difficulties and back then the school didn’t have any policies for dealing with it.  Recently I was shocked to read in a newspaper that the member of staff had been taken to court over alleged child abuse, and I keep remembering my friend. Is there anything I can do? 

Deafauntie says:

Gosh, this is a really difficult one, especially with everything that’s happening in the news at the moment. It is tricky and I don’t have enough information to give you guidance.
Are you in touch with her already or would this be a fresh contact after 15 years? Think about you getting in touch after so long and how it will feel to her.  Some survivors say they feel guilty and alone so you contacting her might make her feel less alone and believed after all this time. I know the NSPCC do some work in this area, but now she is an adult, hopefully she is getting some support (try Signhealth) so she feels understood and supported.
Please think though about why you want to contact her. Is it to make yourself feel better, rather than making her feel better? Harsh, but true. I’d very much welcome comments from adult survivors about what they’d really like to see from their friends.


One response to “A member of staff allegedly ‘had a secret moment’ with someone I know

  1. I have some experience to try and help. Like you I knew of things at my school, and helped that person during a difficult time. However like you I did not keep in touch since leaving school. I did however “bump” into this person and I was very pleased and happy but was shocked by the “coolness” and “rude” attitude, despite our close friendship of the past? I have since found it hard to accept and have had to take the view that the person is not the same person of the original years at school.

    So recontacting someone after a long period can be difficult for all sorts of reasons. More so if there are potentially illegal activities or abuse.
    So my own experience is that it is probably better to write or send a card…do not say anything at that point. Just ask that you hope they are okay and that you would like to meet up to “catch up”.

    That way the decision is your friend’s to make, and keeps things under careful calm introduction. If you dont get an answer it does not mean a “No”..try again…and perhaps once more. After that you may have to accept that she wishes to keep her privacy.
    Go slowly, and take your time. and yes I would try and contact that person, but be prepared for anything (good or bad) as a potential friend. Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you that obviously cares. But before you do that…you must ask yourself why are you wanting to do this now? Because your friend will ask the same question “Why now?”….and if you dont have a genuine reason then you perhaps should not attempt it until you are sure of helping someone or purely just to be friends. It is a commitment.
    Good luck.

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